I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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