Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
