Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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