I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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