I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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