Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
