I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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