dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize