You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
