The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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