Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
