The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
