how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
