i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
