Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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