Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
