I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
