i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
