Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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