She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
