At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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