i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Mom said you looked used
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
