dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize