but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
