The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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