My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
