Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
