She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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