roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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