duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
