Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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