we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize