i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
