she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
