I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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