After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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