I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just had sex bonerless
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
