Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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