I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
