Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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