i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
