And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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