And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
