The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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