she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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