She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
