Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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