I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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