Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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