life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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