Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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