while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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