I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize