Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
