The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
