so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
