dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
